A day I hope to never re-live....

Andy and I have been happily married for over seven years now.  For the past 2.5 years, we have been a one car family, and Andy's bike serves as our second vehicle.  For whatever reason, I have rarely worried about him getting to work safely, but have frequently said a prayer of protection around the time he is biking home - perhaps it is because he is often trying to beat the sunset.  Anytime I hear sirens between five and five thirty, I pray for his safety and brace myself for potentially difficult news until I see him walk through the door.

This morning, I said goodbye to him and got ready for my physical therapy appointment.  Like a good patient, I silenced my phone and went through the session.  Upon leaving, I noticed that I had two missed calls - one from Andy's work and one from his co-worker.  My heart sank.  This has never happened.  I knew it wasn't going to be good.  I was relieved when the message said that Andy didn't seem to be feeling well and thought to myself "poor guy has the flu - I will pick him up from work and bring him home to recover." ...Until it was followed by the next sentence: "He is acting very confused and strange. We are concerned that he may have had a crash on his bike on his way to work..."  I returned the call to find out that Andy had been taken to the E.R. about ten minutes prior.  I call my boss (in tears) to update him on the situation.  I then called my dad knowing he almost always answers the phone - he did.  Thankfully both of my parents were together and reassured me everything would be ok.  My mom, the nurse, coached me in the importance of being patient in his confusion and to answer any repeat questions as if I hear it for the first time.

The E.R. is empty and Andy is already being seen.  I thank his co-worker, Jaan, profusely for bringing him in and caring for him.  The nurse tells me to ask him questions, so I just rattle off several:
Do you remember talking at breakfast this morning? No
What can you remember from yesterday?  I don't remember yesterday.
Do you remember having dinner at the dining hall?  No
Do you remember talking in bed last night? No
What can you tell me about this past weekend? I can't remember.
Do you know who I am?  Yes (with a giggle and smile) ... slight relief

They take him to a private room and ask me to fill out some paper work.  I exchange numbers with his co-worker and he leaves.  I call Andy's dad to inform him of what is happening.  The doctor then comes in, checks him, asks several questions and tasks me with making it my goal to see what his soonest memory is.
Where did we watch the Super Bowl this weekend?  I don't remember.
Did I run a race this weekend?  I'm not sure.
What is my middle name?  Lorraine
Where did we go for Christmas?  I don't know.
Who visited us at thanksgiving?  I don't know...who?
What was my job last semester while Anna was on maternity leave?  Anna and Jeremy Fletcher (said with a smile)
What is my middle name? Lorraine
Where did we vacation last summer with Chris and Lauren?  I don't remember, but I bet we went backpacking!
Where?  I'm not sure.
What did we do the last time we went to San Francisco?  Stayed at the Westmont house and saw a weird parade.  ...great-he remembers May!!  The doctors were less than thrilled, which took away my momentary joy.
What year is it?  2013
You sure?  2013
What month is it?  I'm not sure.
Who is the president?  Barack Obama (said with a smile)
Andy: You're going to ask me your middle name next, and I'm going to tell you it's Lorraine.  (we both chuckle)

It was so heart wrenching to see him in a hospital gown hooked up to several monitors, unable to remember the past several months.  The doctors were perplexed because he did not have any road rash, only minor scrapes.   As the day went on, I noticed bruise marks beginning to appear on the right side of his face and his right hip.  The two small scratches were also on his right side.  I began to feel encouraged that it was indeed a bike accident of sorts.  He starts massaging his head.  I take a look at his helmet and notice that there is a dent and crack in that very spot he is massaging.  Again I feel encouraged.

My two bosses came to the waiting room to support me.  It was so nice to be able to step away for just a few minutes to process and be poured into.  I am so thankful to work with such great people!

When I return, Andy begins to ask questions, and asks them again and again and again.   Each time I respond as if he is asking it for the first time.  It gets really old 1.5 hours in.  These were his questions:
So I was on my bicycle, and then what happened?  You must have fallen.
Is my bike ok?  Yup, Meghan looked it over and it's fine!
And then you brought me here? Nope, Jaan did!
Jaan's my friend!
Did I do something wrong?  No, you didn't do anything wrong.
And I hit my head? Yes, yes you hit your head.
So I was on my bicycle, and then what happened?....etc.

At one point, he asked if his bike was ruined and I said yes, following my script.  He started laughing and said, "It is? That means I can get a new bike!"  I then realized he had changed up the question and  told him his bike was fine.  We laughed about that together.  It was sooooo good to laugh together!

(Andy has zero recollection of me taking this picture....)

The doctors decide to take him to get an MRI.  Since I couldn't be with him then, I took that time to eat at the cafeteria and call family to update them.  I managed to stay strong updating them on how Andy was doing, even with the fact that he couldn't remember sooner than May 2013.  As I entered the cafeteria, I saw my good friend Alyssa (who recently got a job at the hospital) and I started balling in her arms.  I explained the miracle that Andy had managed to not have physical injuries - but how hard it was to stay strong during the repeat questions and over the fact that he had eight months memory loss.  It is amazing to me how certain people can break down your "being strong facade" with simply their presence.  It was just the breakdown I needed.

I ate and regained my stay-strong strength and returned to Andy's room just a few minutes after he was brought back from his MRI.  He looked so relieved to see me and shared how difficult it was to be in the MRI machine while not letting himself get freaked out by the tight space and inability to think without confusion.  I was so proud of him!  We continued going over the above barrage of repeat questions.  Finally the doctor comes in to report that the MRI results came back normal, thankfully.  We are then given care instructions, the name of a doctor to connect with, and he discharged Andy.  Our five hours in the hospital felt like an eternity!  I am thankful to go home and also concerned with how to spend the rest of our day when my husband cannot remember the recent past or future.  (Will he even remember where we live since we moved in June?)

I pull onto campus and say, "Do you remember in which building we live?" He names it correctly and we pull in and finally return home.

...and then slowly he starts to recall what we did last night, and last weekend, and the weekend before that, and Christmas and Thanksgiving, and last summer...and I cannot stop thanking Jesus.  I tell him that these are all things he could not tell me two hours ago.  I am nearly crying!  ...And then he tells me about details of our upcoming trip to Patagonia and about this morning before work, and about things at the hospital.  Until we both realize that the only missing memory is about two hours of time - starting with him leaving for work until my bosses wife who is an ER nurse entered his hospital room.  Praise God!

His soreness continues to heighten and he wonders/we wonder what on earth happened, but his memory is (mostly) back and he is going to be ok...We are going to be ok!

We receive a number of texts and phone calls from our family and California friends (sorry out-of-state friends that this is likely the first time you're hearing about this...it was an overwhelming day).  Our closest friends who are like family to us bring a scrumptious homemade dinner and stay for a while to let us soak in time with them and their precious daughter.  Andy jokes with them and is in good spirits.  I am full of relief and thankfulness.  God truly does provide!

"When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your glorious name!"