It is difficult for me to express the immensity of experiencing grief long distance. When Grandpa went into the hospital, it was so difficult to focus. to continue through each day. to not wear on the outside the heaviness i felt on the inside... To no fault of anyone, I felt really out of the loop. I was trying to comprehend the severity of the situation without being there to see it/feel it. I wasn't sure how much hope to have vs. how much to be preparing myself that he wouldn't make it. The optimist in me made myself believe that he was doing so much better than he actually was. When the news came that life support was going to be removed, it was a huge blow. I cried and cried and cried (I actually woke Andy up because I was crying in bed and it was shaking the bed - sorry Kiddo). When I received the call that he had passed away, Andy was at work and all of my RD friends were in a meeting. I felt so alone. I called my sister and just cried and cried feeling a deep loneliness I have NEVER felt before. All I wanted was a hug. All I wanted was to cry and cry in someone's arms. Getting news of someone's death and literally having no one to go to who understands the deep pain, loss, and sadness you are feeling inside is utterly awful! I want to never be in the position again. I want for no one to ever be in that position. Later that day, my team was amazing. The RDs took over for an all-hall program going on that night. My RAs reassured me that they had everything taken care of. One of my supervisors drove me downtown (since Andy and I only have one car now) to meet Andy as he was getting out of work. Andy and I grabbed some dinner at a hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant and then went to the beach to process. Below are some photos. What I thought was so great about this time of processing was that Grandpa would have loved and been interested in all of these things:
My first lobster I've ever seen on the beach (sadly it was dead)
2 comments:
so glad you were able to come home leeko! and isn't it amazing that even when we're 'alone', we are always in the loving arms of our Creator. His presence and promises have been such a comfort to me in my times of grieving this past year.
1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
oh little lyx - i felt so awful that i couldn't be with you to hug you. it's funny how people are so different in processing things. i just want to be left alone. i don't want anyone to be with me - i just want to cry alone.
also - gramps probably would have liked chinese better than mexican. :)
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