Grief

I feel like grief is a topic that is often avoided in public circles. 

I am choosing to share what the grieving process has been like for me 

(for anyone who is interested in reading about it)

One year ago today

my heart was crushed.

2,700 miles away my family grieved together

the loss of an incredible man

(singing "amazing grace" as he breathed his last breath)

and I couldn't be with them.

A coworker walked with me through trails on campus

listening and asking questions like

"What was he like?"

"What did you most appreciate about him?"

"What questions are you asking God?"

(she was wonderful)

I remember calling our priest, leaving him a voicemail, sobbing saying that

Grandpa had died...

Another coworker drove me to meet Andy as he got out of work

so we could spend time together away from students

...i balled my eyes out...

We went to the beach...and I saw a lobster :) 

(the only one I've seen since we've been here)

I remembered the many vacations he had gone on with us

(including one where he climbed a mountain that he shouldn't have in his 80s)

I remembered watching him paint in his studio

I remembered him playing the keyboard while we danced to the music

I remembered how he would lean in to listen to you while you talked

...these are some of my favorite memories of him.

These have been the surprising aspects of grief for me:

-the things people say that they think are comforting to you, that actually are very painful

-trying to prevent myself from crying in the middle of a bustling farmers market when I see an elderly man playing the harmonica

-the number of dreams that I have had about fire, death, at their old house, and with or about grandpa

-reading the book "a grace disguised"...what a gift in aiding me process!!

-the countless number of times where I have longed to know if he is in heaven, and wish/hope with all of my heart that he accepted Christ during his time in the hospital

-the ways in which grieving enhances your compassion for others

-the number of times I have cried myself to sleep at night since the fire happened last year

probably the most surprising for me has been my recent bouts of grief...

during RA training, we watched slides of the wildfire damage to campus in 2008

(...every time I see a building on fire, I think of Grandpa)

then later that day we did an exercise where everyone in the circle who had lost a loved one in the last year took a step forward

(...i nearly lost it right then in front of everyone...thankfully I held it together and cried with a co-worker afterwards)

that night, one of Grandpa's paintings fell off the wall

(thankfully it was fine, but it was the last straw for me...I cried for a long time)

my beloved husband read me a kids book he had about grief that night

(...I sobbed and sobbed in his arms, and was thankful for every minute of it)

at a worship service with the RAs, the word fire appeared several times

(I did fine until the person next to me asked me if I was ok.  Then I lost it...)

I have done lots of wrestling of what professionalism looks like with grief.

Should you just leave the meeting?  Or sit there with all of your might trying to hold yourself together?

Should you invite students and coworkers in to what you're feeling/struggling with by sharing?

Do you show up to something with tear-stained eyes, or show up late because something 

triggered a thought while you were walking to the meeting?

I have learned that even when you rest in the promises of God's faithfulness and knowing that he one day will restore us to what life was intended to be, 

it doesn't numb or erase the intensity of the pain we feel now.

and it's ok.  it's ok to be vulnerable. it's ok to ask questions. it's ok to let the tears fall.

it's ok to grieve